2014 was all about the babes, 'bout the babes, no testosterone. Booty, big booty, mo' booty, and something about an anaconda. Oh, how proud our ancestors must be.But for those whose expectations remain elevated, I once again, employ my inherent powers of prognostication to bring you my annual sneak peek of pop culture likelihoods for the year ahead.
Thank me later.
U2? Me too.: In an unprecedented move last fall, U2's new album, Songs of Innocence was distributed for free into our iTunes accounts. Now, they embark on a world tour, but of course, there's no need to buy tickets. Just stay where you are. They'll come to you.
Say what?: Rap Star Kendrick Lamar releases a follow up to last year's hit 'Bitch, Don't Kill My Vibe' with a new track entitled 'Bitch Took Half My Shit!'.
Backfired: Kim Kardashian sprains her wrist trying to take a selfie from behind.
High Ideals: A brainstorming session among Hollywood executives goes awry when a mysterious batch of cookies make their way to the table. The result? Sharknado 3.
'Bout to get real: This year's newest reality concoction combines Survivor and the Amazing Race featuring the cast of Total Divas and The Housewives of (take your pick), as they engage in a tag-team battle royale against the Teen Moms and Sister Wives for the opportunity to bid on the storage locker belonging to Honey Boo Boo's mother.
App and out: Apple releases a new selfie-improvement app that hides all your flaws and in some cases removes you from the picture entirely.
Aroma therapy: The popularity of last year's ALS Ice Bucket Challenge inspires other organizations. The National Hygiene Society asks you to publicly call out that one smelly friend that everyone talks about but no one tells, and challenge them to take a shower. Sponsored by Zest.
Ding-ding cha-ching: 2014 saw the success of the DinnerTime app which allows parents to set reminders for their kids to put down their phones and eat, sleep, or study (and in most cases, almost exactly in that order). 2015 will introduce a new app that sets off an alert bell when their kids are surfing porn. Beware the sound of the slot machine jackpot.
Going deep: Taylor Swift continues her exploration of "classic" pop and releases a throwback album inspired by the music of the Spice Girls.
Phabulous: Samsung's newest smartphone is a tiny microchip that is injected into the bloodstream so that your children are born with wi-fi. Netflix sold separately.
Safe word?: The film release of 50 Shades of Gray sparks an adventurous trend among women suddenly experimenting with the sexual thresholds between pain and pleasure. This leads to mass confusion among males, who for years had repeatedly heard the words, "Ouch! You're on my hair!".
Blinded by the light: The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences releases this year's Oscar nominees, and all of them are white. Nah! That's just crazy.
Here's to the best 2015 ever!
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